The Christmas Rant 2013 – This One’s for the Baby Jesus


2013-11-18 17.17.38It’s become a bit of a tradition for me to have a rant in early December about the horrors and the terror of the festive season.  The tinsel, the welcoming of trees into the house, the spending massive amounts of money on presents etc.  The biggest issue of course is that you’re expected to just be jolly and have fun and the moment you don’t you get called a Scrooge.  As you can see I’m so whacky and ironic that people have started to buy me gifts on the basis that I’m a Scrooge and I’m playing along with it!  Bloody Christmas.  I’d like to kick Santa in the knackers, the dirty old fucker.

Anyway, this year I thought I’d mention religion because people keep trying to bring it back to this subject it’s time we got a few things sorted.  Religions are bullshit.  Christmas is an end of year festival the like of which we all need.  Everyone needs to relax and chill out.  In fact I used to think that New Year’s Eve was just a crap excuse to get drunk and act stupid.  Now I think it’s an essential excuse to get drunk and act stupid.  Christmas is the start of that process and it’s an astonishing mix of pagan and Christian traditions.

Someone asked me recently to explain why I didn’t like Christmas.  I asked what there was to like and the reply came back “the good news of Jesus Christ”.  I politely said no and then warbled a bit about how the Baby Jesus wasn’t even my favourite Jesus.  As it happens my favourite Jesus is the historical Jesus (assuming he existed) and I think he should be left to rest in peace, the poor sod.  My second favourite Jesus (yes I have them ranked) is the Baby Jesus but crucially not the Christian one but the Islamic version.  Now there’s a Baby Jesus who kicks some ass.  It’s a much better version of the story where the unmarried and impregnated Mary heads off to the desert to have a baby and returns to town with some explaining to do.  She is struck dumb as the town folk surround her demanding to know where the hell she got a baby from without a husband.  The people get angry because she doesn’t answer but then the baby speaks (presumably with a booming manly voice) saying that Mary is pure and should be respected not attacked. None of that manger, stable, donkey nonsense.  Anyway you can see it towards the end of this Iranian movie!

The historical Jesus is suspected of being the offspring of a Roman soldier.  The evidence leads to a series of revenge rapes following an insurrection in the town where Mary may have lived.  Joseph may have taken her in and become her husband in order to protect her from the shame that being pregnant out of wedlock would have brought.  Well we know the stuff about him being the son of a deity is wrong and this horrendous explanation makes some form of sense.

So the story of Christmas is actually a story of patriarchy and brutality towards women and we should look at that and work out what it means to us.  How often do people address these issues in their Christmas messages eh?  But don’t forget this is supposed to be a fun season and you must be happy!

The mix of festivities means we have tinsel on trees in the house, presents inside stockings and slobbery kisses under the mistletoe.  Meanwhile we have all the religious guff like carols, Christingle services and midnight mass.  It’s all bollocks but we definitely need an end of year festival.  We deserve one and I will be enjoying it in my own Bah Humbug style.

Merry Christmas!  Have a good one!

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